I love to be light-hearted. Most of my posts are. I'm looking so forward to Relevant so I can have a blast and be loud and laugh my tail off.
But this post is not light-hearted. It's a rare glimpse into my heavy soul...where I am right now.
If you've read my blog for any length of time, you know that my mother has cancer. It started out in 2004...breast cancer. She went into remission, but in 2008 it came back, this time on her bones.
I just can't write all that has happened this year...it's been the hardest year of our lives. Momma is living with me to be closer to Memphis and her doctors (among other reasons). The cancer is taking its toll. She is weakening more and more and the doctor doesn't know if any more chemo will help. He wants to try one more, if she is strong enough to take it.
Last week, when my sister, Carlyn, took her to the doctor, she wasn't strong enough. She was dehydrated; the doctor said the cancer probably caused that. He ordered IV fluids for a few days, something else new I had to learn to do. I also had to learn how to give insulin shots, since the steroids in the fluids made her sugar spike.
I have been prepared to hear that the cancer was weakening her. I have. But I don't know if I'm prepared for what will happen from here. I'm sitting here almost sick at my stomach from the things I've had to do today.
Am I strong enough for this? I haven't cried all day until just now, writing it out. I just wish I could go one day without feeling the need to cry, or try to hold something back from Momma so she won't get upset.
I don't often ask for prayer or help...I guess I don't want to sound like I'm whining. But I'm asking for prayer.
I'm asking that the Lord will give me, as well as my sister, who has helped me immensely, the strength we will need over the next few months. Please pray that I can physically handle what I never thought I'd be able to. I'm scared of what is coming. I'm scared I won't be able to get through it without showing huge weakness to my mother. I need to be strong for her.
Pray for my husband, my rock. I don't know what in the world I would do without him. He has saved me from myself so many times. He is my voice of reason. He is the go-between for my sister and me to my mother's husband (that is a whole other story I won't go into, but suffice it to say we've not had the best relationship). But in being the rock of the family, he also is dealing with some of the same grief issues that I am.
Pray for my ten-year old Kiddo. He is hurting in ways I can't understand. I didn't have to watch my precious Mimmie die. He is watching his Grandmother weaken daily. He worries. He cries. He acts out. The other day he told me our children's pastor asked him what was wrong after he got in trouble in children's church for the second time in two weeks. He told him he didn't know. I asked him why he didn't tell him and he said, "I was embarrassed." My guess is he didn't want to start crying where the other boys might see him, so he just clammed up. Oh, my soul...pray for my son.
And finally, pray for my mother. I don't even know what to ask you to pray over her. She is in pain. She feels like she can't breathe very well. She hardly gets out of bed anymore. I have to take her to the doctor Thursday and I just don't know how she'll be afterwards. She had one of her worst days last doctor's visit.
And I'm sure she's scared. She will be with Jesus, but just isn't ready to go home yet.
Thank you, if you've read this far. Thank you for praying, for those of you who will. I am praying God blesses you greatly for sacrificing a little time to pray for my family.