Tuesday, September 21, 2010

A Long Road Ahead

I love to be light-hearted. Most of my posts are. I'm looking so forward to Relevant so I can have a blast and be loud and laugh my tail off.

But this post is not light-hearted. It's a rare glimpse into my heavy soul...where I am right now.

If you've read my blog for any length of time, you know that my mother has cancer. It started out in 2004...breast cancer. She went into remission, but in 2008 it came back, this time on her bones.

I just can't write all that has happened this year...it's been the hardest year of our lives. Momma is living with me to be closer to Memphis and her doctors (among other reasons). The cancer is taking its toll. She is weakening more and more and the doctor doesn't know if any more chemo will help. He wants to try one more, if she is strong enough to take it.

Last week, when my sister, Carlyn, took her to the doctor, she wasn't strong enough. She was dehydrated; the doctor said the cancer probably caused that. He ordered IV fluids for a few days, something else new I had to learn to do. I also had to learn how to give insulin shots, since the steroids in the fluids made her sugar spike.

I have been prepared to hear that the cancer was weakening her. I have. But I don't know if I'm prepared for what will happen from here. I'm sitting here almost sick at my stomach from the things I've had to do today.

Am I strong enough for this? I haven't cried all day until just now, writing it out. I just wish I could go one day without feeling the need to cry, or try to hold something back from Momma so she won't get upset.

I don't often ask for prayer or help...I guess I don't want to sound like I'm whining. But I'm asking for prayer.

I'm asking that the Lord will give me, as well as my sister, who has helped me immensely, the strength we will need over the next few months. Please pray that I can physically handle what I never thought I'd be able to. I'm scared of what is coming. I'm scared I won't be able to get through it without showing huge weakness to my mother. I need to be strong for her.

Pray for my husband, my rock. I don't know what in the world I would do without him. He has saved me from myself so many times. He is my voice of reason. He is the go-between for my sister and me to my mother's husband (that is a whole other story I won't go into, but suffice it to say we've not had the best relationship). But in being the rock of the family, he also is dealing with some of the same grief issues that I am.

Pray for my ten-year old Kiddo. He is hurting in ways I can't understand. I didn't have to watch my precious Mimmie die. He is watching his Grandmother weaken daily. He worries. He cries. He acts out. The other day he told me our children's pastor asked him what was wrong after he got in trouble in children's church for the second time in two weeks. He told him he didn't know. I asked him why he didn't tell him and he said, "I was embarrassed." My guess is he didn't want to start crying where the other boys might see him, so he just clammed up. Oh, my soul...pray for my son.

And finally, pray for my mother. I don't even know what to ask you to pray over her. She is in pain. She feels like she can't breathe very well. She hardly gets out of bed anymore. I have to take her to the doctor Thursday and I just don't know how she'll be afterwards. She had one of her worst days last doctor's visit.

And I'm sure she's scared. She will be with Jesus, but just isn't ready to go home yet.

Thank you, if you've read this far. Thank you for praying, for those of you who will. I am praying God blesses you greatly for sacrificing a little time to pray for my family.


Richella Parham said...

Oh, honey. How well I remember.

Things with my mom finally got to the point that she said, "This is too hard. I don't want to do this any more. I just want to go home." Thank God she said that; it was helpful. But she was only 58 years old. My youngest son has no memory of her at all; my older boys remember her vaguely. That's not the way it's supposed to be.

You are not strong enough to do what you know you have to do. But God is strong enough to carry you. You will have the strength you need, just when you need it. You're accustomed to being strong enough for you and Sound Man and Kiddo, and lately you've also been strong enough for your Momma, too. That's too much for any one person.

You will be okay. I hate that your mother has to suffer, but when her suffering is over, it will be a grand thing for her! And you will make it. Don't hesitate to ask for prayer--you're just asking for the help of God, which you know you need. You're not whining.

God bless you, sweet woman. May grace pour over your soul. Love you.

Tracey said...

Praying for you and your man, your sissy, your boy, your mom, her doctors, her husband and what the coming months may bring.

I am praying that God will prepare you for what He has prepared for you.

You are covered in prayer. You are loved.

And you we will have a BLAST at Relevant. Only 30 more days.

emily freeman said...

I'm so glad you have shared this with us. I have no idea what you are going through, how hard it must be, the fear and the pain. I will pray for you, my friend. For your boy, for your husband, for your sweet Momma. I will pray for Jesus peace.

love to you.

Teri Lynne Underwood said...

Oh my friend, this journey has already been so hard ... I'm praying as you travel the road ahead. Much, much love.

Dawn said...

prayers for all of you... i cannot imagine a time such as this. i know that you are sitting in the palm of God's hand... and He is holding you up. praying for strength and peace...

CarlynB said...

Oh Sister...

I love you.


southerninspiration said...

Look up Isa. 41:10 and memorize it. Like Richella said, HE will be your strength; He will help you get thru this. HE will be your God and strengthen you and help you and uphold you with HIS righteous right hand. He knows all your fears....but lay them down at HIS feet. We will be praying for you, my friend. Keep us posted on how to pray.


Jen @ Balancing Beauty and Bedlam said...

You know we want you to share this with us so we can life your whole family up during this difficult time. We love you, girl.

Darlene said...

I can't even imagine what a difficult time your whole family is going through right now. I have ALL of you in my heart and prayers.♥

Lynn said...

Sending hugs and prayers to your Mom, you and family.. I understand what you are going through... it is so hard, but always remember that our dear Lord is with us all, always.. He will never leave us nor forsake us..


Bonnie said...

This is one of those times when I wish I were absolutely brilliant. How my heart aches to say or do the exact right thing to make your hurt go away! Or at least easier to handle. Your recent comment resonates with me. You're right - if we lived closer to each other, I'd be in my car right now, on my way over with some weird-sounding tea & muffins and I'd just hug you until our arms felt like falling off and we'd just cry & cry & cry. Don't underestimate the power of crying - and crying hard. Crying it out leaves you feeling weak for a little bit but the strength that follows is almost unbelievable. Like cleansing rain... Unlike the energy that gets sapped from you feeling like you have to "stay strong." Don't forget Jesus' words telling us to cast our burden on Him, that His yoke is light...He'll carry it all - you included - if you let Him. I am, most definitely, praying for you my friend. And if I get that chance, I'm asking you if you're available for tea... I'll bring tissues, too.

Windy said...

Praying for you and your family.

Anonymous said...

I am visiting here for the first time. My heart is breaking for you. Please know you are being lifted up to the Only One that is truly strong enough. You are amazing!
I hope to meet you at Relevant!

Made In The South said...

So sorry you have to endure this...God WILL give you the strength to take care of her! You will be surpised at the things you will be able to do for her.
I am praying for not just her, but the whole family.

Susie from Bienvenue said...

My sweet friend. I just want to hug you so tight right now. You and all of your family will remain in my prayers. I know it's hard and I know how strong you are. You are a strong woman through Christ. He will be your rock in this and it's ok to feel sad and afraid. He knows. I'm so sorry that you are going through all of this. hang in there friend. I'm just a phone call away. Susie~